Book Study- Because He Loves Me

Join me and people all over the web for this book study.
Because He Loves Me Book Study

Pick up a copy of the book here, or a kindle version here.

Read the intro and Chapter 1, by January 30.

Carrying my Sixth Child by His Grace

I stopped to ponder what it is like to carry my sixth child in my womb today.  In so many ways, it is very different from carrying my first.  Add two losses and an in utero diagnosis with Turner Syndrome, and there is surely no naivety.  Time passes, and many around me have experienced trials of pregnancy, early losses, later losses, early labor, sick babies, and even stillbirths.  There is so much of me that wishes I could return to that thinking of a young first time mom, just expecting everything to be great, expecting a healthy baby come due date time. 

I won’t lie; the first trimester of this pregnancy was plagued with worry so fresh from Kyson’s passing.  I often wondered if this baby was still alive, or if like two of his siblings, he had passed on while I held him where he is supposed to be so safe.  There were no signs of miscarriage with either of my losses so I it was hard to think that everything was okay when I had no way of knowing.  The ultrasound machine is a wonderful invention.  To be able to peak into the womb and see my baby alive, heart beating so obviously, was so wonderful, but with it brought only the relief for a moment.  There was a wonderful day back in June when at almost twelve weeks pregnant, I was able to take one of those glimpses, to see my child alive, moving around opening his mouth, even waving his hand.  I was filled with such hope until it all fell apart less than two weeks later when sweet Kyson laid so still and lifeless inside me on the ultrasound screen. 

Kyson’s due date came on Christmas Eve, and I made it to the fifteen-week mark in this pregnancy.  It was so bittersweet to miss my sweet baby boy and yet be filled with joy for this child, to be joyful for this wonderful season with the children I hold here on earth and for the meaning of Christmas, yet still sorrowful for the loss of two children.  Hope was found without a heartbeat just days after Christmas seven years ago.  How blessed that this is the time we celebrate Jesus coming to earth, coming to save His people, coming to bring perfect peace, the end to all the sadness, to know that by His grace, my two children, though lost on earth, have life in heaven.

It was at this time that the Lord blessed me with be able to feel this new life inside me, a perfect Christmas gift, a reminder of life.

And so, yes this pregnancy in many ways is so far from that first one nine years ago, but in some ways, it is so much alike.  I still love to look at all the prenatal books and articles.  I still am amazed at God’s handiwork creating our child within me, so miraculously.  Like the first time, I am eager for each first.  That first ultrasound, while it did not leave me feeling confident in the finish line here on earth, was still amazing to see that tiny flicker and know that God had created life.  Seeing him move on that screen for the first time, knowing he is so tiny and fragile, yet living, is still amazing.  Having other children old enough to be amazed by it, who ask to see the pictures, you frame their very own ultrasound pictures of their new baby brother, is so fun.  Those first kicks for this child are ever bit as special as the first baby kicks of my first child.  The first time my husband has felt him, and times since, the first time I placed my hand on my womb and felt his shape, the first time I looked down and saw movement inside me from the outside, all of these are beautiful, miraculous, heart-warming, filling me with love.  And it is not just the firsts, I treasure the moments, the feelings of life when I wake in the morning, when I stop to feel for him during the day, when I lie down to go to sleep, when I wake during the night.  I treasure them all.

Perhaps it would be easy to brush off all the business of this pregnancy as “been there, done that” business.  I could go on with life not in awe because it was nothing new, nothing I had never experienced.  But, no it is GRACE!  My God above has chosen me to be a mother to another child, another miracle, another blessing.  That is a big deal!  In His love and mercy, He has chosen to grow this child in my womb, and I will treasure each first.  I will treasure this journey.  I will treasure my child, this precious gift every day of his life.

“For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.” John 1:16

“For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” Psalm 139:13-14

"Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God's grace." - Jerry Bridges