The Gift

They were some of the hardest days of my life, to wonder if my baby girl would live. I look back and see the gift. Of course my daughter was a wonderful gift, but along the way the Lord gave me another gift, though at the time it was hard to see. I thank God for that gift.

I remember asking for the possible diagnosis.
I remember the small sheet of paper with the words achondroplasia and Trisomy 18. The third possibility was that it was nothing. The fourth was that it was something really rare; this was unlikely.
I remember hurrying home to look these up online.
I remember regretting that.
I remember each week as the doctor leaned towards Trisomy 18 (Edwards Syndrome).
I remember longing to have a daughter with dwarfism.
I remember not wanting to buy baby clothes, not wanting to set a date for my baby shower.
I remember a friend telling me not to be negative because that was not like me.
I remember searching for children with Trisomy 18 that lived.
I remember finding only a handful.
I remember wanting my child to live but not wanting to be disappointed.
I remember praying for God’s will.
I remember praying that no matter what happened that God would be glorified through her life, however that might be.
I remember the needle.
I remember holding my breath as I watched them take the sample from by growing belly.
I remember the wait.
I remember the support from friends and family.
I remember all the prayers lifted on our behalf.
I remember the first call: no achondroplasia.
I remember the way that my heart sank.
I remember more waiting.
I remember the second call: Turner Syndrome.
I remember knowing it was going to be okay.
I remember knowing that my daughter would live.
I remember wanting her out so badly because maybe I didn’t know if she would live.
I remember her birth.
I remember how perfect she was.
I remember thinking the doctors were idiots for not knowing it was Turner’s not Edwards‘.
Now I know it was a gift.
To wonder if my daughter would live, to know it could be so much worse, perspective: it was a gift.
I will not wonder why for I know it was a gift that I will forever be grateful to have.
Thank you, Lord, for that gift.