for Kyson: Due Today

Due today, this Christmas Eve
Yet gone before you came.
It's been six months since you waved goodbye
When I thought you waved hello.
Six months with tears shed for you.
Six months of missing you.
But also six months with you in heaven.
Six months you've been with Him.
As we prepare to celebrate the birth of Christ our Savior,
You behold His glory.
As we recite the angel's song,
You sing with the heavenly choir.
As we rest in the peace that Christ brought to earth,
We rest in knowing this:
His plans for you are heaven today
And bringing praise to Him,
And His plans for us are here on earth today
Bringing praise to Him.

Eucharisto, Giving Thanks

Eucharisto, giving thanks
Opening my eyes to the gifts
All around me, much grace
Making an effort, purposely grateful
Counting blessings and giving thanks
Joy, joy, it's found after thanks
After my eyes have opened
My heart opens to more grace
More joy, more peace, contentment
Learning His ways are best
Even when it's hard
Even when it hurts
Finding the thanksgiving in the pain
The hard eucharisto
Never forgetting His love
His never-ending love
His goodness, the truth
That He is always good
That it will all work for His glory
It's all for His glory
That that is why I'm here
Why we all are here
To bring Him glory
To make His glory known
To enjoy Him forever
Eucharisto.

I Need to Trust in You

You are big, and I am small.

You are strong, and I am weak.

You are able; I am not.

I need to trust in You.

You’re full of mercy; I’m in need.

You’re full of grace; please pour it out.

You’re full of love; please wrap your arms around me.

I need to trust in You.

I am nothing without You.

There’s nothing good apart from You.

And everything works for Your glory.

I need to trust in You.

I need to trust in You.

I need to trust in You.

You are worthy of all glory.

I need to trust in You.

Good and Perfect Gift

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” James 1:17

The word translated “perfect” in this verse is the Greek Teleios, used to describe something that has achieved or reached its goal, objective, or purpose.  When I read that this morning my mind went to Kyson, my unborn baby who never made it to what we would consider perfection or completion here on earth.  A miscarriage is far from what most people would call a perfect gift.  Losing a baby is heart breaking and leaves a void.  Yet, it can be looked at in a different light.  The child, made in God’s image, knit together in my womb for a time, the child I watched on the ultrasound screen jump, reach out his arms, open his hand and show me his finger, open his precious little mouth, the child I saw life within, the tiny flickering of a heart beat, that child is a gift.  Oh, but how can I come to the place to call a deceased child a good and perfect gift?  Only by the grace of Jesus!  A perfect gift, having achieved or reached its goal, objective, or purpose…  This child’s purpose was to live in my womb for three months and then spend eternity bringing praise to the Savior in heaven.  I was chosen to be this child’s mother, not for a few months, but for eternity.  It is only in this light, the light of knowing that my child, the fruit of the love between my husband and me, is before the very throne of God, beholds His glory, brings praise to His name for all eternity, only in that light that I see that this child is a good and perfect gift.  We are not promised a tear-free, pain-free life; actually we are promised that there will be trials, but that doesn’t mean that the trials cannot bring gifts.  These gifts are from the Father of lights.  He in Himself is good.  He is love.  He does not change.  So while it may be hard to be thankful for the miscarriage, I am thankful for my child.  My child is now completely perfect and beholds the majesty of Perfection.  Someday I will partake of this perfection as well, and today I will be grateful for the gifts of each of my children, Luke, Hope, Lydia, Timothy and Kyson, my three that I am blessed to hold today, physically love, and those two that are held by the Father and loved in my heart.

Seeing, Not Just Looking

So I drove an hour this morning in the fog.

I looked into the sky and saw the sun, a perfect circle, bright, yet I could look at it.

I’ve been trying to see lately, not just look but see what the Lord has to show me through His creation.

I thought about this earth, how we are in a sense in a fog, not able to see clearly.

I Corinthians 13:12 came to mind: For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

I thought about the sorrow I have experienced lately, how through it all The Light still shone.

I thought about how the sun still brings light even through the fog, but only what is closest to us are we able to see.

Maybe sometimes we are supposed to be wrapped up in fog, and the Lord shines His light on what is dear to us, reminds us of what really matters.

Perhaps sometimes the Light is so bright we are afraid to gaze at It, but through the fog, we can behold the Sun more fully.

I just love it when God writes a love letter in the sky to me, reminding me to see, reminding me to taste and see that He is good.

I love you just the way you are

My Lydia Joy, I love you just the way you are

With all those hugs and kisses inside

and those squishy little hands.

I love how your beautiful hair gets too long

and curls around your eye.

I love how you squeeze me tight

and love me when I tuck you in at night.

I love that even at five you remember for me

because God’s given you a great memory.

I love how excited you get when you conquer a feat.

I love how you bubble over with new people you meet.

I love that your passionate, and I know God will use that.

I love you, sweet girl, and I want you to know it!

My Luke Anthony, I love you just the way you are

With a great imagination that takes you to place off far.

I love that I look into your eyes and see mine.

I love that you are growing and learning at home with me,

That your mind is so sharp and that you like math the best.

I love how you can put things together,

How you can hold so much in your mind without writing it down.

I love how you don’t want to go to sleep

            without your hug and kiss.

I love that your spirit is soft and you care about your family,

that God can use you in a mighty way.

I love you, sweet boy, and I want you to know it!

My Timothy Isaac, I love you just the way you are

With a rough and tough spirit that still wants his momma.

I love that you love me and want me near you.

I love that you love superheroes and can pretend so well.

I love that you are strong and will make a great protector.

I love that you look so much like your brother.

I love how just looking at your face makes me smile.

I love that you know what you want,

 that God can use that determination to further his kingdom.

I love you, sweet boy, and I want you to know it!

Rejoicing and being glad in the day that the Lord gave us at a waterpark

What a wonderful day we had as a family this Monday!  We all five spent the day playing in the sun at Hawaiian Falls Waterpark.  As we walked in a large banner read, “This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”  Good start. 

The kids ran to the water.  A huge pineapple was filling up with water and dumping out on to the gleeful children.  A good soaking really helps beat the heat on an August day in Texas.  Timothy started stepping backwards, fear on his face.  I am reminded of how young he is, even when he often wants to be so big and tough.

Lydia went straight to a slide and went down screaming, “Binket,” as she had been instructed before we left so that Binket wouldn’t miss the fun.  I love how thoughtful my little girl can be and how God has given her such a sharp memory.

I walked Timothy to a slide a little ways from the scary pineapple and we whizzed down together.  He was all-smiles, as was I.  Slide after slide I held my sweet boy in my lap, and we just had fun together, not thinking about anything but the here and now, enjoying the moment.  I smiled and thought about how much fun I was having, how happy I was, what a gift this day was.

Timothy eventually got over the fear of the pineapple, even though he made it clear that he was not going to like it with his strong words, “I hate that thing.”  Tony took our big boy Luke to do big slides, and Lydia and Timothy stayed with me in the kiddie area that was by no means too kiddy.  I was having a blast.  Timothy decided he was super brave and could go down by himself, and Lydia enjoyed some Momma lap-time down the medium slides. 

Tony and Luke made it back for a switch-up, and he took the littles and I took my big.  It doesn’t seem like that long ago when my fearless first child started having a bit of a fear of heights and no longer wanted to do big slides at the park.  I suppose that was five years ago, but oh how quickly it passes.

I climbed the steps of the large waterslide with Luke, noticing how long his legs are getting, how his shoulders are broadening, and how he is eager to be brave and do big kid stuff.  We talked as we waited, and I was happy, happy in this moment, thankful for this child.  I wrapped my legs around my big boy, and we squealed together as we went down this great slide.  We immediately decided we should do it again.

Back and forth, Tony and I went from littles to big, taking turns having fun with our kids and even did a few laps all together in the lazy river and stayed as a big group around some medium slides in the family area.  Lydia wanted to be brave and do a slide that she was just now tall enough to do, but her fear was too great.  She would get to the top and change her mind.  Finally she decided she was going to do it.  She said, “I’m gonna do it for you, Momma.”  She made her way to the top and went down.  She was so thrilled with herself, and I was thrilled with her fear-conquering feat.  We celebrated with cheers and hugs.  She decided to try another thrilling slide and did it, raising her arms in the air and beaming with Momma’s cheers.

All day was like that, just happy and cheerful.  It was the happiest day I have had since I saw Kyson alive and wiggling around on the ultrasound screen back in June.  I know that there will be more hard days ahead, but I was thankful for this day this summer where I treasured my smallest son’s childishness, rejoiced as why daughter conquered her fears, and realized that my first born was growing up before my eyes into a great young man, where I hugged each child close and loved being with them, playing with them, laughing and squealing together, where I kept telling the man I adore how much fun this was, and was so happy with the family that we have become, and where I just let today be today and enjoyed it for all it was. “This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.”  

Gifts of His Love

            I stood on my tiptoes to squeeze my carry-on bag into the small slot left in the overhead bin.  I made my way through the very crowded plane to find my seat.  I sat down and looked out the window.  I knew what time it was but had not thought about the fact that I would be flying out at sunset.  I adore sunset, the rays, all the colors, and the thought of the uniqueness of each sunset, that there are never two just alike. 

            It had been a terrible summer.  I found out in June that the baby I was carrying, this child I was so excited to be welcoming around Christmas, had stopped living.  I was just so very sad, so disappointed that our family would not be growing, that the dynamic that I had been dreaming of was not coming to be.  I hated having to tell my children that their sibling that was growing inside me three months was no longer growing, trying to explain to them how this baby was now in heaven, wondering if they wondered why God had answered our prayer for this baby to be born with a “no.” I trusted God, but the pain was still there.  My heart was heavy with loss. 

            This trip to Chicago to meet a beloved friend had come at a good time, a chance to get away, to fellowship in Christ, to talk through emotions, to evaluate where my faith needed to grow.  What a blessing to have a friend to laugh with and grow with through the tough times!  I was trying hard to open my eyes to God’s blessings all around me, and had been blessed during this trip.  The time had come to an end, and I was heading back home to my family, back to the reality of my life, a family of five, a beloved husband and three precious children that I adore, but still a void. 

            When I saw that it was time for the sun to set, realized how this trip was going to end, I knew it was a gift from my Heavenly Father.  He does so love me.  He wants me to know that although there are times we walk through when it is dark and we feel lonely and sad, that He has never left us, never stopped loving, that even in those times, this life is full of His grace. 

            The plane took off, and I could feel that rush of acceleration that I do enjoy.  I kept my eye on the window, admiring the setting sun, the colors that were separating before me, the clouds we were rising into, watching everything below grow smaller.  I knew I was learning, learning about how small it all is compared to God, about rising up above all the world to be closer to my Savior, about beauty all around me.  I held back tears as I thought about the gift He was giving me, how much He truly loves me. 

            I love to photograph the sunset, capture that once a night event that will never be duplicated.  I know that timing is important as the sunset does not last very long before the darkness takes over the night.  Not so, tonight.  As I flew across the country, I kept seeing the setting sun.  I couldn’t help but keep looking at the beauty even thought the brightness of the sun burned my eyes.  I didn’t want to miss it.  This was my gift.  I had to take it all in, and I just kept taking it all in as it lasted and lasted up there in the sky.  The colors deepened as the sun moved down, but it was like the world was in slow motion as the sun sets so much slower that far above the land.  The clouds often seen above the setting sun were below.  They darkened also, but still I saw them.  I smiled as I thought about the clouds.  All week long the sky had been filled with happy little puffy clouds.  Each time I looked into the sky and saw them, I would say, “Ah, puffy clouds.  Puffy clouds make me happy.”  There is just something about those clouds that brings a smile to my face: gifts, each one of them.  I decided to open my Bible and read, but I kept peeking up at the window, watching until all the light was gone.  I felt so loved.

            I slept well and headed home the next day.  I looked at the sky in search of my happy little clouds, but they were not there.  As I drove on, I began to see a few tiny clouds ahead of me.  I smiled.  The closer I got to home, the more puffy clouds appeared before me.  Oh, these little gifts leading me home.  I made it home with a smile on my face and thanksgiving in my heart, home to my precious gifts I get to embrace here on earth, so much grace, so much love.

The Tears Still Come

The tears still come

Roll down my face

I cannot hide

From the truth I face.

I try to just let it go,

Try to just walk along,

Act like it’s all okay,

But the tears still come.

I need you pick me up

Hold me tight in your love

Tell me, “It’s all okay.

God’s in control.”

And tears still come,

And that’s okay.

No need to hide

From the truth I face.

I don’t have to let it go

Try to just walk along,

It’s going to be okay

If the tears still come.

I need you pick me up

Hold me tight in your love

Tell me, “It’s all okay.

God’s in control.”

Peace

Peace...

What is peace?

Peace like a river?

Peace that passes all understanding?

Peace with God?

Peace of Christ?

Fruit of the Spirit peace…

Is it quietness in my soul? Yes.  Shut out the world with its worries.   Peace is comfort, no room for worry.

Is it trust?  Yes.  Trust in the One who made all, holds all, knows all.  Trust in His plan for my good.

Does it take away all my sadness? No.  And that is okay.  It’s okay to be sad, good to mourn.  I can trust God with my emotions.

Is it free?  Yes. It is a gift from Jesus.  No. It cost Him His life.